dear friend,

Dear Friend,

I wish I could tell you this without hurting your feelings, without making you cry, and most importantly- without destroying years of friendship with words.

Words that I owe you.

You're practically the little sister I've never had, the girl whose arm has so often; been threaded through mine. There are photographs of us in my wallet: laughing, silly-faces.. still so young, so naive. I have wiped so many tears over the years, given you much advice, held your broken heart and glued it together with bad movies and ice cream. We've giggled over boys, deliberately crashed into each other in bumper cars, competed loudly over "Asshole!" and danced together at so many birthday parties.

I held your head above the toilet, held back your hair, rubbed your back. I cradled you when you thought you were going to die from the way your head throbbed. I half-carried you out of the hotel bathroom and deposited you in your fiancé's arms.

Over all these years, I have held you up, I have held you together. I have held you.

And so, I owe you these words:

"Don't do it."


Don't do it like this. When you're struggling with who you are and what you want. When you've never asked yourself the questions around who you are, what you want to do, what you believe, and the most essential question of all: who you want to be. Don't float along, taking it as it comes, or taking it because you're panicking.

You've never had to deal with the cruelty of life, for that I'm thankful. And at the same time, it makes me incredibly sad. You've never had to stand on your own two feet, never had nobody to rely on but yourself. You've never been pushed so hard that you've had to discover strength in the last place you expect: yourself. You've never looked around and realised that nobody can help you here, there is nobody else to ask, nobody else to help you make decisions. Nobody.

Just you.

And that is one of the most amazing things that can happen to you: that you know who you are and what you're made of. You know, with absolute certainty, that you can take whatever life throws at you- and you will survive.

You don't know how to be alone with yourself. You're too afraid to try. You fill up your hours with incessant chatter and bind yourself to your man. You're distraught when he does his own thing, when he goes off to pursue his own interests. You think it's because he doesn't love you.

No. It's because he's learnt to love himself.

Everybody needs space. Everybody needs their own time. It's good for you. It lets you be yourself, for you.

I have known every single boy you've dated, every single boy you've secretly watched, every single boy you've fancied. I know them all. And I have known you through every single crush, every single first kiss, every single hand hold.. every single time.

And you morph. You like what they like, you read what they read, you listen to what they listen. And it breaks my heart because as important as it is to take an interest in someone else's hobbies and likes... it's important to know what it is that you like and what you dislike. There is no "us", when there is only "him" and no "you".

Find yourself. Get out of your comfort zone, do something you've never done before- and do it because you want to; not because he thinks it's cool. Spend some time with yourself- learn to be alone, to get to know yourself... to like yourself.

I used to think that you'd grown up too sheltered, that you'd never seen the real world. That you exist in your world of never knowing debt, never seeing poverty that makes you stop breathing, never realising that there is no safety net. You exist in your world of never hearing "no, it's not possible" or "no, you can't afford that" or "no, is that really necessary?" and you don't even realise how lucky and privileged you are. You've had an amazing life... and you don't even know it.

You make yourself so unhappy about how different your life could be, you drown yourself in if onlys and what ifs, you dither on decisions and want somebody else to make them for you, you would rather wait it out than act.. and here's the thing: none of that will make you happy because you refuse to seize it. To step up. To make a decision and deal with the repercussions.

There is nothing called perfection. It doesn't exist. You create your own versions, your own meaning.

Please, don't get married. Don't marry him when he's coloured in the lines of who he is and you're still blank. His colours will bleed in and take over, when you haven't any colours to add. Don't marry him when you have no spaces of your own, to be yourself in. Don't marry him when you're not sure of your future, of what's going to happen and what you're going to do. Don't marry him when your dreams haven't even been articulated. Don't marry him because you think he'll make you happy: he will, but only if you pitch in... and you know you're too busy making yourself unhappy to do that. Don't marry him when you don't know the world. Don't marry him when you are so full of potential that you've never ever bothered to tap.

Please. Don't do it.

At least not yet.

With much love, friendship and heartbreaking concern,
Your Friend.